Due to how I was treated by my then monstrous mother, and other traumatic experiences I was diagnosed with PTSD. Note my definition of an emotional trauma is a personal experience that still affects you to this day. I believe , even though these events happened way before the present I believe they are still affecting me now. At least my self perception of me.
To be fair to my mother she was on speed when she said such hurtful words to me. Over a decade later when she got off of the drug she did apologize and treated me significantly better. Though I know intellectually she apologized and I believe it was sincere I still feel the sting of her hurtful words. They still deeply hurt me to this day. I know it doesn’t make sense since she said she was sorry she treated me much better emotionally. I feel I’m being terribly unfair to her. I feel exceedingly guilty about my view of my mother. I know its irrational and unfair. Hopefully my therapist will help me deal with my mixed emotions. But as someone said the heart has a mind of its own. Okay its not literally the heart but it is recognizing how one feels even though I realize her hurtful words were so long ago.
So why does her hurtful words still affect me?: I am well aware I am not that little girl but when I start to recall what she said to me I still start to cry. Yes it’s totally irrational. I fully realize that its way in the past. Maybe because this was in my formative years when I was first beginning to develop a self image of myself. When I was initially perceiving like most kids just beyond the toddler stage their view of who they were.
My earliest memory was when I was four years old. My mother was hanging the clothes on the clothesline outside to dry them. I don’t recall what I said. I do remember her telling I’ll give you something to cry about. I wish I never had you. I can’t begin to tell you how hurt her words made me feel. Her words stung me deeply to my core. It was the earliest memory of her and me and it was happened to be the first time she said such hurtful words to me.
All I did was watch her put the just washed clothes on the line. That’s all I did. I felt so guilty being her daughter. I felt shame. The shame of being me. I believe the worst part of any abuse is the way it makes you feel about yourself. Even today I still feel the effect of her horribly mean verbal abuse.I I think in retrospect it wasn’t only the abuse it was the fear that she wouldn’t be there to take care of me. Children when they are little are extremely vulnerable since they are incapable of taking care of themselves. They are virtually completely dependent on their parent or parents or who ever their caregiver is. I was in diagnosed with depression, bipolar OCD and PTSD for many years now. Part of the mental health system ever since I was in my early teens.
I co write with my friend Carol Bond<a href="http://societyfordaintydamsels.com ">Society for Dainty Damsels. A blog that is wacky, sometimes outrageous and consistently weird